Rock Bottom
by El Leon Y La Oveja
Summary: During the First War, Remus has become isolated from his friends. The Marauders no longer trust him and the Order's numbers are decreasing every single day. In a desperate moment, Remus writes a letter to the one friend who might still trust him- Lily.


16th July 1981

Dear Lily,

I don't know how to start this letter. I don't even know how to write it. I need to tell someone what I feel but I can't even get the words out to explain. How did this happen to me? I used to be so articulate, so able to express myself- the vocabulary was never-ending. Now, it seems almost like words aren't enough anymore. When I'm shouting, it feels as though I'm whispering, or just mouthing the words into thin air.

People just don't stop dying, Lily. I wasn't always a believer in happy endings, not until I met James, Sirius, Peter and you. For seven glorious years, I was lulled into a false sense of security and as soon as we left the safety and confines of Hogwarts, everything fell apart. The real world hit us like a Stunning Spell and nothing could ever be the same again. I'd forgotten what it was like to live in constant fear and dread but now, now I remember.

Marlene was twenty years old. She was so full of life, so young, so ambitious and she had everything left to give. I can't face another Order meeting with empty seats. Last time, it was Dorcas Meadows missing and the room felt empty without her. I was able to sit through it with a straight face and listen to Dumbledore's instructions because there's nothing else that we can do. It sounds heartless and terrible, but we can't mourn everyone for a fraction of the time that they deserve. We don't have that time. I've become more practical, Lily, thanks to this war. Too practical to spend time caring about the deaths of people I used to go to school with, people I've fought alongside, people who knew what I was but still accepted me on their side. I'm getting all my emotions out in this letter but I can't afford to show them at any other time. Know that I will always be feeling the sorrow, guilt and anger. I'm just too good at hiding it.

James probably thinks I'm just being insensitive. This is getting to him far more than me because he really is a true Gryffindor. He cares about everyone on our side and is always so fiercely loyal that every death comes as a personal blow to him. We spent seven years at Hogwarts with most of these people- of course he feels connected to them. Our school friends spent more time with us than our own families and someone as sociable, open and loyal as James was on very good terms with the majority of the Order. Whenever there's a death, he's guaranteed to have known the victim well. He's going to be hurt more deeply than most people every single time.

It's very difficult for me to describe how deeply this war has hurt me. Not due to the deaths of so many of my friends. Not due to the complete chaos that my life has become. Not even due to my fellow werewolves' betrayal of wizardkind. It's because each day, I have to live with the fact that my four closest friends don't trust me anymore.

I don't know if you trust me now, Lily. I know that you fought for me, against James and Sirius as they began to doubt my loyalties but I don't know if you eventually saw whatever they had seen and decided that I was not to be trusted. I constantly wonder what it is that caused my friends to doubt me so much. I've spent seven years with a tiny part of me waiting for Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail to realise that I am a dark creature and that they should sever ties with me immediately. Now, I wonder if that day has finally arrived and I can hardly blame them if that is the reason. All other werewolves have publicly declared support for Voldemort and I realise that many other Order members look at me and wonder exactly why I am the only werewolf on our side. They know that there's a spy and I'm the natural suspect.

Maybe that's not the reason. Perhaps there's something else that I haven't considered. I haven't seen you or James since the night before you went into hiding and I don't even know where you live. I'll give this letter to Dumbledore to pass on to you and hope that arrives soon. I don't expect a reply; I know that it's too dangerous and I don't want you to feel guilty. I just need to tell you how I feel. I have to tell someone.

Last Order meeting, I noticed the absences more than ever. Marlene wasn't there, and we didn't even know why at the time. Dorcas was missing and you and James were in hiding with Harry. I sat at the back on my own, with an empty seat beside me. Sirius wandered into headquarters about five minutes before the meeting began, covered in fresh scars and sporting a broken nose. He reminded me of myself after a particularly vicious transformation. I never got to find out what had happened to him because he took one look at me, walked over to the far side of the room and sat down next to Frank Longbottom. After that, he didn't speak a single word to me all evening and didn't even glance in my direction.

It was at that moment that I realised the severity of this distrust. Padfoot, who had been one of my best friends for seven years, wouldn't even look me in the eyes, let alone converse with me.

I'm almost glad that you and James can't attend meetings now because the knowledge that Prongs didn't trust me would, for some unfathomable reason, be even more devastating than the idea that Sirius won't acknowledge my existence. Padfoot can be incredibly volatile with his moods and we've had our share of disagreements in the past. James and I have never argued, not seriously. To receive proof of the fact that he too believed me untrustworthy would be the worst possible thing.

As for you Lily, I know that you've got Harry to protect now. When this is all over, I know that you'll want to apologise, to swear that you never meant to think ill of me. I understand your reasons, and maybe even James's. You're parents and you have a child to consider. It's one thing to risk your own lives but the life of your child, that is far too precious to entrust with just anyone. If there was the slightest doubt about me in either of your minds, it makes sense not to trust me until you can be completely sure. The thing that hurts me now is Sirius's lack of trust. Doesn't he know me at all? It may be true that all my kind are joining with Voldemort but isn't that true for him? Almost every single member of his family support Voldemort, even his own brother and yet I would never doubt his loyalty to the Order, to the Marauders. He is so passionately loyal to everyone he loves that nothing could persuade him to betray them. I only wish that he saw the same in me. Sometimes I wonder why the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor and then I remember the wolf. The suffering which my pre-Hogwarts transformations forced me to endure must have been the only factor which turned the Hat away from Ravenclaw. Someone like me, without the wolf, wouldn't have any Gryffindor-worthy qualities. Most days now, I don't feel as though I'm good enough to be in the Order; it seems as though everyone is just waiting on tenterhooks for the day that I declare my allegiance to Voldemort.

I can see that the war isn't going well. We have no real idea of what Voldemort wants and our people are dying; more deaths are announced every day. The McKinnon family was a huge loss, in every way imaginable. They were exceedingly talented, as well as being such accepting and warm people. I remember you taking me to Slughorn's Christmas party in our fourth year and Marlene asking me to dance because I was the only boy standing at the side of the room while you were hiding from James in some deserted corner. I was shy and Marlene was taller than me and a much better dancer. Even though it was slightly awkward and she ended up dancing with Sirius eventually, I will never forget her kindness in making sure that I was involved, in leaving no one out of the festivities.

The main reason that I wrote this letter wasn't actually to moan about my life, or the war, or to tell you how much I wish that my friends still trusted me as they once did. It's Harry's first birthday in just over two weeks and I won't be there with everyone to celebrate it. I don't know what you're doing- if you're having a party with Padfoot and Wormtail or if they're going to be too busy with the Order to take the whole day off. Whatever you do, I hope that all of you have a wonderful time and please, wish Harry a happy birthday from me.

Whenever I'm fighting Death Eaters, or doing anything for the Order, I'm doing it with one thought in mind. The image of you, Harry, Prongs, Padfoot, Wormtail and myself sitting in your old living room. Harry's about four years old, the four Marauders have been reunited and we're living in a peaceful world again. This war seems to have been going on for so long that we've almost lost sight of what we were even fighting for in the first place. I have a clear goal and I need to believe it's possible if I'm to keep going through every day, through the news of every death, through each vicious battle. I have to believe that I'm going to get my life back, that we all are.

One more thing Lily, if you don't mind. Please don't show this letter to James and Sirius because I have the feeling that it will just make them angrier with me. Once this is all over, we can sit down and discuss everything but now is not the time for forgiveness and guilt. We all need to focus on winning this war and protecting those whom we love. Everything else will come after that.

Love, as always,

Remus


End file.
